My fellow Americans,
The last time we won a war on two fronts the whole country was mobilized and each individual citizen had to sacrifice dearly. I don’t want you to suffer like they did. In fact, I want you to go about your business and enjoy the material riches this country has to offer. I want you to look back on these times with fond memories. I want you to again vote Republican so we can continue to enjoy material pleasures. Hell, go get yourself a personal watercraft or an illegal domestic if you like. And tell ’em, the Commander in Chief sent ya.
God (the one I believe in, that is) Bless America!